I Don’t Want Children

I Don't Want Children

“That will change,” I’ve heard throughout the years. A week ago, my mother’s friend uttered those very words when somehow we landed on the topic, and I told her I don’t want children.

“You really don’t want children? You’re going to be lonely!” My little sister, who’s not so little anymore, warned me just days prior.

“No, I won’t be. I’ll have you guys, and in time, my nieces and nephews. I’ll be the cool aunt. Your children will jump for joy upon my arrival: ‘Mommy, mommy, it’s Titi Gera! I wonder what she brought us from South America,’” I said with enthusiasm. “They’ll ask where I’m off to next.” She giggled. I couldn’t help but wonder how many people have kids in an attempt to prevent loneliness.

There have been times when I’ve wished I fit the mold: the woman who dreams of starting a family. That would’ve made things easier growing up and while I was in a long-term relationship. I wouldn’t have had to dodge the topic of motherhood when it arose or explain my desire to experience fulfillment in other ways, ways that are more in tune with my personality. I would’ve averted quite a few arguments with my then-boyfriend, who insisted on having children immediately after graduation, as though I’d worked hard at my studies to settle down straight out of college.

“You’re thinking like that now because you’re young and want to travel. You’ll change your mind when you meet the right guy. Children are a blessing,” my mother’s friend continued, looking at my mother and asking if she’d heard me when I said I don’t want children. This wasn’t something my mother hadn’t heard before.

What I didn’t bother to tell my mother’s friend is that I’ve already been with someone I perceived to be the right guy, and even then, I didn’t want children.

Children are a blessing. Motherhood is a miracle, to say the least. I believe having a child shouldn’t be a decision made on a whim, or even worse, by mistake. Though for some, that’s the case and it turns out to be the most unexpected, frightening and yet amazing experience.

I love children. They can fill a room with happiness, even on the darkest of days. But I’ve never felt the soul-clenching desire to become a mother. I don’t want the physical changes it entails, the career and physical break it requires, or the great deal of responsibility that soon follows. I’m too much of a free spirit.

Babies are adorable, but babies grow up. A child is a blessing, but a child is also the biggest responsibility. Do my thoughts make me selfish? Perhaps. But there is also selfishness in wanting a child to avoid loneliness.

Experiences have shaped me and continue to shape me. I think differently now than I did in the past. Who’s to say I won’t change my mind in a few years? I may. But like I told my mother’s friend, I may not. Maybe I’ll never feel the desire to be a mother; maybe I will. Maybe I’ll want to have my own children; maybe I’ll want to adopt. There’s no telling what the future holds. I’m open to possibilities, even the ones I can’t visualize right now, but I won’t mute my feelings or decisions simply because they’re so rare, so “unwomanly-like,” they make others uncomfortable.

I spent about five years with a man I thought I loved, or maybe did love. I battled with the notion that because I’m a woman I should want to be a mother. I thought that if I spent enough time with other people’s children – and believe me I did – the feeling would come. At times, I hoped for simplicity reasons that it would…but it didn’t. And it hasn’t.

I will not succumb to the expectations of society. If I ever choose to be a mother, it will be because I truly, profoundly and without a doubt want to be a mother. Society can call me selfish and criticize me for being different, but I prefer that a million times over than to have my child look me in the eyes and sense even the slightest hint of resentment.

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  • http://Www.audacious-aging Jacqueline

    I am a single, childfree woman of the second year of baby boomer retirement. I had a couple of years where I debated having children, but ultimately decided that motherhood was not for me. This year I started a blog about my choices and about others in my generation with similar mind sets. As in this article’s perspective, I do love children, but never had the urge for my own. It turns out that 20% of my generation feels the same as I do. Married or single, the decision not to have children seems to be controversial and has brought up many negative reactions. At 67 I am fond of my grown nieces and nephews as well as their children, but still do not regret my decision.

    • Geraldine

      Jacqueline, thank you for sharing your experiences and offering a different perspective. Thank you for reading. :)

    • Mindee

      Had no Idea there are women out there like me!!! I’m 48 and its good to hear your words of no regrets. For all the changes that have happened in my life, this is the path I should be on regarding bringing children into this world. I just found Geraldine’s article and loved your reply!!! Have a great today and tomorrow!!!!

  • Gail

    My childbearing years have ended, and I have never regretted having either one of my kids. However, it seems that we women never get a break from pressure about reproducing, even when we can’t do it anymore. I can’t tell you how many women have told me “You’ll love being a Grandmother.” I have no problem with anyone else being a Grandma, that’s their business and not mine. But I have absolutely no desire to be one, at least not right now. (Ten years from now, I may be singing a different tune.) And this isn’t the first time in my life I’ve had baby related pressure. I had my first child in 1991. By the late 1990s, well-meaning relatives were bugging me to have a second one. I remember my Aunt asking me “When are you going to have another baby?” I told her “When hell freezes over!” and I meant it. In 2000, I had the shock of being pregnant again and gave birth to my son 2 days before my 41st birthday. After that, my husband and I decided not to have any more kids.

    • Geraldine

      Thank you for sharing. I agree with what you’re saying about the pressures we face regarding reproduction. I know a couple that is experiencing fertility problems. They’ve had family friends ask questions and rush them to have a child. It’s been rough on the entire family. You never know what people are going through and what they’re feeling. It’s silly to assume that one lifestyle works for everyone. It’s important we discuss these things and shine some light on a topic definitely worth addressing. Thanks for reading!

  • Raquel

    I am in my second marriage and haven’t had any children. I never wanted them. I know that sounds crazy to some people but it just was never a priority for me. I went through the phase of being very sad that I didn’t have children but the sadness would last a day, two days at most; and then it would go away. My husband has two boys who are now ages 9 and 12, and most days, I thank goodness that I don’t have any children. I have always been around children and even took custody of my yound neice for a few years but I always wondered why I didn’t have that maternal instict for myself. I love some people’s kids but never felt the want. I praise the women (and men) who want to have them…….but I also respect the ones who KNOW they don’t want children and don’t have them for all the wrong reasons.

    • Geraldine

      Raquel, how brave of you to stick to your decision. It’s normal to ponder these things. It’s a big life decision and one that with time you can’t take back. Even if you change your mind at some point, the important thing is that you’re making the choices that are right for you. I applaud you for that!

  • peter solberg

    I am a white male 40ish. I just want to applaud your capacity to stay true to your authentic self. It is so rare to hear a woman, or man, honestly express feelings and opinions that are not already canonized. Right on sister!

    • Raquel

      I especially love hearing from men who genuinely respect a woman’s opinion. I’ll be 42 pretty soon and I respect eveyone’s opinions and decsision as long as they truly believe in what they choose to do or not do. When I was about 30 (maybe a little younger) I was actually told by a man that if I didn’t have kids by now, it was too late. He encouraged his daughters to have kids at about 20 because he said they should get it over with and be young enough to enjoy their children. I felt bad about myself for about a minute and then I wondered what may happen to those children when their mothers turned 25 or even 30 and wonder why they hadn’t experienced anything. Would they take it out on the kids? Would the moms remain unhappy? Would it even cross their minds?
      I veered off for a minute there….but thank you. Refreshing.

  • Leah

    I loved your article because I truly felt this way before. I never wanted children. I had no maternal instincts. Friends were having babies and it made me sick to think of having one. I had dogs who were my children that’s all I needed. Crazy as it sounds I got pregnant because my best friend of 22 years got pregnant. I thought I could do this. Most of my pregnancy I was sad inside, thinking I made a huge mistake. I couldn’t tell anybody that even my husband. People could tell I wasn’t excited though. Fast forward 18 months later, life is perfect. Who knew what love you could have. It’s beyond my imagination. I’ve spent 30 years of my life searching for a purpose. That little soul I call my son has given me purpose. It’s crazy even to think as I write this.
    People would tell me all about this but I would laugh at them. It’s totally your decision. And if you choose to not have kids you won’t know what your missing. Your life will still be great. Coming from one who had no desire to have a kid, if you do have a baby your life will be just great to.

    • Geraldine

      Leah, thanks for sharing your story. It sounds like you had some rough times, but in the end, it all worked out. For some women the sadness never fades, and the regret lingers even after they’ve had the child. I know this isn’t always the case; your story is an example. I’m not opposed to the possibility of one day changing my mind. We are shaped by our experiences, and there’s no telling where those experiences will take us.

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  • Vanessa

    I love ur article, every single word is exactly what I feel and what I think… I have two nephews and two nieces, wonderful kids, amazing personalities, and such a miracle for our very small family. I love them to die! Although, even when I recognize my passion for kids and our easy going relations, I’m more than sure that I don’t want to have babies. It is a huge pressure from the society and friends. They are always asking: what about you? When are your babies coming? Do u have fertility problems? I am used to these questions, and my answer is always the same: I don’t want to be a mother, don’t want to have that kind of responsibility. Yes, babies are cute, but as u said, they grow up! My family doesn’t have that questions and problems. They respect my decisions and they always say: you are the cool, single, happy, and globe trotter auntie! We don’t see you having a baby, keep traveling and living your free spirited life. I love them for being so nice! Finally some time back I met the guy of my dreams, we are crazy in love and he doesn’t want to have babies either. Good deal for me. Again, read your article made me more than happy! I agree 100% every word. Good luck!

    • Geraldine

      Vanessa, thanks for reading. You found the man of your dreams AND he doesn’t want kids? Sounds like you hit the jackpot. More importantly, you have a family who understands and respects your decision. How amazing! I wish you nothing but the very best. Happy travels! :)

  • Jessie

    I absolutely have always wanted to be a mom. I now have a six month old and it’s tough, but exciting. I have a few friends who don’t want kids. I whole heartedly applaude and respect them for knowing themselves. I think very much the same way that collagen should be a decisionandnot for any reasonother than you genuinely want to have them!
    Beautiful article!
    Good for you and you do what you think is right!

    • Jessie

      And by collagen, I mean children….

  • http://Www.atthepinkofperfection.com Amy, At the Pink of perfection

    This is exactly how I feel, I felt like I was reading my own words. I have a post for my blog exactly like this in draft, I’m afraid to post it for the outcry that will ensue. Thank you for standing up for who you are!

    • Geraldine

      Amy, thank you for reading. I know how you feel. I made a lot of changes before publishing this. I wanted to make sure those who are parents know I’m not against THEIR decision to have children. I wanted to state my thoughts and opinions, but I also wanted to remain respectful of others.

  • Jennifer

    AMEN SISTER!! Don’t let them get you down. There are more of us than you might think. I will turn 40 this year and stand firm in my decision to not have children. There are many reasons, some of which you mentioned in your piece. I always struggled with finding the right “reason” to have children, as I lacked the ‘natural’ urge or need to have children. I live in South Africa and there are so many unwanted orphaned children in Africa; for some time I used this as my “reason”. The planet didn’t need more children, I would say.
    Then I grew up some more and I realized I didn’t have to have a “reason”. I simply needed to make a choice.
    I celebrate the fact that I”m alive in an age where we as women actually have this choice. And that we can now stand together and proclaim “This is my choice. Respect it, or leave.”

    • Geraldine

      Beautifully stated. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and for reading.

  • Shawna B

    I love this. And I think the world would be a better place if more people explored this point of view. It is never selfish to accept you aren’t ready. It’s responsible. If you aren’t an interested parent, at best, you’re that person who will let your partner parent alone. At worst, well, the worst is quite bad… Ask my kids sometime… Or any of the other 400,000 kids living the system life, If you think you can handle it. Nobody wants to grow up to be an abuser, but we have lots of them, and we all pay the price.

    I hope for a world where no child is unwanted. I dream of a world where no child is abused, neglected, or uneducated. And I will probably get blasted for saying it, but, the fastest way to achieve this is for the world to have fewer parents, fewer unplanned pregnancies. Just face it, it’s unrealistic to expect every consenting adult (and teenager) to ‘man or woman up’ and transform into an engaged loving parent. It is in fact intolerant and cruel to demand this. Babies aren’t magic. Let a person who doesn’t want to be a parent do what is best for themselves and be embraced for it. Good for you! (Is good for us)

    • Geraldine

      Shawna, I appreciate your honesty. It is unrealistic to assume everyone wants the same things in life. Thanks for sharing and thanks for reading. :)

  • Nina

    I’m 66 and I decided in my early 20s that kids weren’t for me. I’ve never felt I made a mistake. I have no regrets. However, it’s amazing how many people through the years tried to make me feel that I was wrong, that I’d look back and wish I’d had a family. Well, it never happened. My mother and father wanted grandchildren BUT they weren’t the ones who’d raise them, give up time and energy to be there for them, or take on the financial and emotional responsibilities. That would have been my job and I didn’t want it. I sincerely believe that many people try to make chidless women feel guilty, or frightened when they decide not to have children. I feel more women should sit down and seriously think about whether or not motherhood is for them, instead fo thinking that having a baby is just something you do when you get married. You’re not a mother for 18 or 20 years…you’re a mother for life.

    • Geraldine

      “You’re a mother for life.” I couldn’t have said it better myself, Nina. Thank you for reading and for being so open about your decision.

  • Susan

    I love this. Thanks for posting. I have been outright shamed by others for my desire to not have children and told that it was selfish, but who actually NEEDS a child? Don’t people just want them? Isn’t wanting something just because you want it the definition of selfish?

    I have so much more that I want out of life. Some of the greatest, most influential women of the last few centuries were childless. I would rather spend my life trying to make the world a better place for the girls who will become women than add a +1 to the population.

    • Geraldine

      “Some of the greatest, most influential women of the last few centuries were childless.” This is true, and it’s not to say that women with children can’t succeed. It’s to say that different life choices are perfectly acceptable. Susan, I find that people usually criticize what they don’t understand. Now you know for a fact that you’re not alone. Just look at the comments on this post and on HP. Power to you for sticking to your choice and what you feel, despite the criticism of others.

  • Sarah

    That is perfectly fine if you don’t want to be a mother but don’t make it sound like the ONLY reason that people have children is so they won’t be lonely. I had my children for a LONG list of reasons and to keep from being lonely was certainly not at the top of that list.

    • Geraldine

      Sarah, I am mindful and respectful of the opinions and choices of others. In my post, I say that parenthood is a blessing, even when unplanned. I NEVER state that the ONLY reason people have children is to evade loneliness. I state that MANY people do so for that reason, and it’s true. It’s constantly mentioned. I didn’t elaborate on the reasons people choose to have children because that’s not what this post is about, nor is it a perspective I can speak from. Though, I’m sure if I asked, many would be willing to share their reasons for wanting children, not that a particular reason is necessary. In addition to this, I know it is perfectly fine for me to not want children. I’m not looking for validation, simply connecting with others who feel the same, but have a hard time admitting it due to the fear of stigma.

      • Sarah

        No need to get so defensive…everyone is entitled to their own opinion ;)

        • Geraldine

          I’m not the one getting defensive…Thanks for reading.

  • http://www.itsshellyscabaret.blogspot.com Shelly

    I loved this! Thank you for sharing.

    I have two children and one on the way, but I totally do not judge or rebuke a woman who knows what she wants (or, what she doesn’t want!)

    Having children is NOT easy when you have dreams and aspirations. Somewhere along the line someone lied and said we can have it ALL. Not true. The truth is, something suffers when you try to have it all, whether it’s your children, your spouse, yourself, etc.

    Good for you! I bet you will have a full and full-of-love life with or without children!

    • Geraldine

      Thank you for your lovely comment. And thank you for respecting my decision, as I respect yours. How candid of you to admit that it’s hard to have it all, that along the way one thing or the other suffers. I don’t think I’ve heard many women admit that. Actually, I don’t think I’ve ever heard a woman admit that. You may have sparked a blog post. Shelly, thank you for reading and for your insightful comments. :)

  • http://MamasOnCall.com Ellen Schrier

    I am a mother. I have three children whom I adore. Being a mother has been and continues to be the best, most fulfilling thing I have ever done.
    AND… I totally support you in not feeling the same way or wanting the same thing. Why anyone would judge you as wrong or bad or selfish is beyond me. How could they possibly know what lifelong lifestyle choice was right for you? I hope your life is joyful and satisfying and that all your dreams come true.

    • Geraldine

      Ellen, I commend you for speaking so beautifully of your children, and I thank you for keeping an open mind that doesn’t only reflect your choices, but also the options of others. I agree with you and can only hope that with time others see things with the same openness you do.

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  • Quinn LaDuke

    I’m so glad you wrote this piece because it’s hard to find someone who thinks the same way about having children as we do. It’s nice to have someone explain the feeling so well and also find someone who won’t judge you for your decisions. If we were men, I feel like this statement would be taken a lot more seriously and that often frustrates me. You are strong and brave for putting this out to the world because of all the criticism that is received on our minority way of thinking. Thank you so much for writing this!

    • TheWriteWoman

      Quinn, thank YOU for sharing your experience and for reading my post. I wrote this article precisely to empower others to make whatever choice is right for them, regardless of what society thinks. I’m glad that shows through my writing. At the end of the day, having a child is a huge decision, probably the biggest one a person can make. It’s one that deserves the attention we give it by thinking it through and deciding.

  • Juliette

    Hey guys,

    I’m glad I found this blog. I’m in a rough spot. I’ve been married for five years
    and I’m starting to feel the pressure. Coming from a strong religious
    background, we were married after three months of dating. My husband and I
    never discussed children while dating or even within the first two years of
    marriage… We were blinded by our feelings for each other. We were like Romeo
    and Juliette…Now he wants kids and I don’t. I am turning 34. I talked to him
    and he told me that people get married to start a family. I told him that I
    married because I wanted to be with him. I know some, if not most of you,
    will tell me that my mistake was not discussing prior to marriage. Listen, I am
    well aware of that. I am now also aware that my husband and I are so
    different. I am free bird. I like to come and go as I please. We used to have
    so much fun together. I also enjoy the solitude of the early morning, and to
    walk at my own pace. I wanted the comfort of sharing my life with someone
    who would be faithful, as I am faithful. And now I am so sorry of all
    the things we did not consider, nor discuss. I am considering divorce. My
    husband is a good man. But he deserves to be a father if that’s what he
    wants. I just don’t know how to prepare us both for a separation. We also
    just bought a house together a year ago. Everyone tries to convince me
    that I am wrong. My in-laws pressure and his sister pressure us. My mother
    tells me I am selfish and that I need someone to look after me when I’m old. I
    refuse to be miserable in order to make others happy. I just want to fly away and
    go put my mark in the world, away from all this pressure. Always have been a
    little bit of a dreamer. Always thought I could make a difference in the world.
    So confused… It sounds like I don’t have an option. He wants a kid, and I don’t.
    I just don’t want to hurt him. Although he would probably be better of with
    someone with whom he is more compatible. I’d love to hear your thoughts.


    • TheWriteWoman

      Juliette, thank you for sharing something so personal. (I wish you could’ve read all the other comments on here, but they were removed when I updated the comments plug-in. If you view the Huffington Post version, you’ll see you’re definitely NOT alone.)

      You’re in an incredibly tough situation, but don’t think for a second that I’m judging you for not discussing children before marriage. I can see how it might slip. Some people just assume. Sometimes we’re so stuck in our own heads that we forget that others might disagree – even when we assume it’s bizarre to think differently.

      Juliette, I wasn’t married, but I went through a similar situation. I was with a man, who for a while, I thought was the right guy. Like yourself, I’m a free spirit, love to travel, don’t want children. He was more traditional: wanted children IMMEDIATELY after college, wasn’t interested in traveling, and was okay with settling down. When I thought of breaking up with him, I felt guilty because he was a good guy who had been, as far as I knew, faithful. (I also thought, what if I leave him and then end up wanting kids in the long run and realize I made a mistake by letting him go?) At the time, I sort of felt like any other reason besides cheating wasn’t a valid reason for leaving a good guy, since GOOD guys are so hard to come by. It wasn’t until I had an argument with him, spoke to a friend, and she asked, “Don’t you think you’re settling?” that it started to hit me, albeit not right away. My instincts were telling me he wasn’t right for me. Eventually, things got really messy between us. He was a pathological liar, and I found out he cheated. Now, with this story I’m not trying to say that your husband has done the same or will. I’m simply communicating that there is NO valid reason for settling. I look back at my relationship and I can see that it wasn’t black and white, so I don’t paint him out to be the villain. They say cheating is a side effect, not a cause, and in my case, while not making excuses for him (I did enough of that while we were together), I can see we drifted apart for various reasons. I just didn’t have the experience or level of maturity to step out of that relationship early on…

      That was over a year ago, and now I’m happier. I feel free, and I love being single. I’m not on anyone’s timeline, trying to force the feeling of motherhood, or struggling to change someone else’s mind. I’m open to experiences and the possibility that I’ll change my mind, but I no longer feel PRESSURED to change my mind. I speak openly about my decision, and hush anyone who dares to challenge MY decision. I typically ask things like, You wouldn’t try to convince a gay guy to give women a chance, would you? So then, how’s this any different? My life. My choice.

      Juliette, what I’m trying to say through the anecdote I shared is that I believe that when faced with a difficult decision, the answer lies deep within us. It may not be an easy answer, but it’s there. You’re at a crossroads now where either choice you make will lead to challenging outcomes. If you stay, the topic of children will rise again (or the feeling may find you) and you’ll either have them (and risk becoming bitter over unaccomplished dreams OR realize motherhood was the greatest choice you could ever make), or you’ll ponder again whether to get a divorce. If you get a divorce, you’ll have a hard time adjusting to a new life, getting over him (supposing you two are still in love, as it can be easy to confuse love with monotony), you risk looking back with regret, but there’s also the possibility that like myself, you’ll be happier for your decision. You’ll get to travel, experience the things you’re drawn and who knows! Maybe meet someone.

      When it was time for me to make a big choice, I visualized both roads. Road One: What would happen if I stayed with him, which wasn’t really a choice after what he CHOSE to do. Road Two: What would take time but eventually happen if I left him. For some, road one is the right choice. For others, it’s road two. Some couples drift apart, only to later fall together. Maybe you two should consider giving each other time, or visiting a therapist who can help you sort out your emotions. Life is so insane and unpredictable at times that while your decision may never change, there is a realistic chance you may eventually change your mind. I say take some time to get to know yourself – whatever that means for you.

      My lengthy response is due to the fact that I sympathize with you and wish you the best. Please come back and share your outcomes. I’d love to hear more of your story.

      • Juliette

        Hi, WriteWoman,

        I’m sorry I took long to write back. I sincerely appreciate your quick and giving response. I am at a standstill due to unrelated, and unexpected, recent events. My husband does not want a divorce. He told me that if I don’t want kids, we will not have any, and that maybe in the future we could adopt if I change my mind. He also would like to workout whatever differences we have had. He apologized for his attitude. Anticipating his hanging on to hope that I will change my mind, I did tell him that I will not change my mind and that it is better to address this now. Truth is, I may very well change my mind (but I did not tell him that), and we may adopt down the road. Unfortunately, we were recently alarmed by serious health testing ordered by his doctor, which has taken first priority. We hope it is nothing. We are both physically active and healthy (we think). In the meantime, we have made some financial and traveling plans. We want to retire early and enjoy life a little more. Once again, thank you for making this page available for those confused souls such as mine. Through your writing, I can tell you are a first class human being. Hopefully, I can visit you here again to share some good news. I no longer feel the way I felt that day thanks to your support. I also commend you for your strength and selflessness to help others by sharing your experiences. All the best to you WriteWoman.

        • TheWriteWoman


          Thank YOU for confiding in me, and thank you for your kind words. Inspiring others continues to inspire me. I hope everything works out for you. Please feel free to stop by this blog again or shoot me an email Gera(at)TheWriteWoman.com. :)

  • Callie

    I’m glad to have found this post.

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years, and he wants children someday. I don’t, even though I love other peoples’. We have an amazing relationship otherwise, so I’ve been doing some thinking about this, too.

    At this point I plan to stay with him but be completely honest about the fact that I don’t want children. If that’s not okay with him, we might have to break up. As much as that would shatter my heart initially, it’s better than settling for a life you don’t want, like you said, or resenting your own children.

    Anyway, just thought you’d want to know how nice it is to read pieces like this that I can relate to when I’m going through a confusing time.

    • http://www.thewritewoman.com/ Geraldine Estevez


      I’m sorry I didn’t reply to this sooner, as I’m certain a lot has transpired since.

      I couldn’t have said this better myself: “As much as that would shatter my heart initially, it’s better than settling for a life you don’t want…”

      In the past couple of years, I’ve learned that to be truly happy, we must let go of what APPEARS to be happiness. You know when it’s disguised as happiness, because you’re not truly, fully happy – you brush away what’s gnawing you and lie to yourself, saying that things will get better, trying (but failing) to address the problem, knowing nothing will REALLY get better until you make the tough decision you’re hesitating to make. Other times, however, time does the trick, providing clarity where confusion once reigned. Either way, I hope you’ve found happiness.

  • An Nguyen

    Will you marry me? ;) All joking aside, you rock and I totally support women and men who choose the childfree lifestyle. You know yourself best and you will decide what is best for you.

    • Geraldine

      Haha! Thanks for reading and for the optimistic words! :)

    • http://www.thewritewoman.com/ Geraldine Estevez


      Haha! You’re a funny one. Thank you for your understanding words and for embellishing your post with a little humor. Always appreciated.

  • ellie

    Thanks for posting this, I really can relate. For years I’ve thought I would like children to show I can parent properly and break the cycle of abuse that has been going through my family for generations. To raise that child as a shining example of my triumph over abuse. Now I realise I don’t need to do that because I am the example. I got counseling and broke the control abuse had over me. And ever since I admitted to myself recently that I don’t want children, I don’t want to be tied down, I want to live my life and be happy and free, I have been beaming. Sometimes there’s such a pressure to do something and you really need to step back and consider if it is right for you. For me, the freedom to live my own life without having to worry about another person and being in a long term relationship with a man or woman who I love will be so much more fulfilling. My kids could be happy, healthy, sad, unhealthy. I don’t want to deal with the unhealthy/stressful side of having a child. I’m happy I was able to admit that to myself. Now I can move forward without that big pressure. It’s an amazing feeling. Now when it comes up in conversation I will be able to say how I feel without doubt or worry. Because I know that it is the right decision for me.

    • Geraldine

      Ellie, sometimes the hardest form of honesty is the one we owe ourselves. Just recently, I’ve made some decisions that required honesty from me to me.

      It sounds like you’ve been through a lot, but it also sounds like you’ve made it through and are stronger for it. May you continue to beam! And if you ever change your mind, well, then that’s okay, too! :)

    • http://www.thewritewoman.com/ Geraldine Estevez


      God bless you for all that you’ve not only endured, but overcome. It sounds like one heck of a journey! You’re absolutely right when you say you don’t HAVE to have children to proof anything to anyone. Heck, you don’t have to do anything to prove anything to anyone, because the ones who truly matter (and deserve to be in your life) will need no such proof, and more importantly, the only person to whom you have to proof anything to is YOURSELF. Have you any idea how HARD and therefore brave of you it was to break the cycle and get counseling? In life, we have a tendency to view things as black and white – “Something’s wrong? Get help” – when in reality, more often than not, emotion (ESPECIALLY pain) clouds our judgment.

      I am proud of you for making the choices (especially the REALLY hard ones) that were right for you. I am proud of you for being courageous enough to be honest with YOURSELF – even when it means going against the grain and what most people typically expect. And if tomorrow you turn around and write to me about how you’ve changed your mind and want to be a mother, then I’ll be proud of you then too, because it’s evident to me that you’ve learned to be true to yourself, even when you’re almost certain you’ll get flack for it. And that, my dear, takes a whole lot of bravery!

      Wishing you many more blessings and a life of happiness!

  • Alexis Kozinski

    Thank you for writing this, you put into words something I find so difficult to express.

    • http://www.thewritewoman.com/ Geraldine Estevez

      Alexis, I am humbled by your words and I am glad you are able to identify with what I’ve written. Please, use me as your voice if ever you’re struggling to express what’s on your mind and in your heart. Be fearless! Be blessed!

  • http://www.Mommy-Diary.com/ Angela Kim

    Even as a mother of two, I can totally understand where you’re coming from. I was never a natural born mother (or so I thought) and became a young mom of two by age 27. It wasn’t a mistake but it wasn’t exactly planned either, you know. Many years later I look back at my journey and realize how beautiful it was, and also how difficult it was. I believe we as women lead various fate. Some are meant to have one, two, even three or more children and some have none. Now, what exactly is wrong with that? Babies are cute, they are so adorable and trigger that maternal instinct in us but you’re right, they grow up and they require a lot of sacrifices and raising each child means changing our entire lives around.

    Even as a mom I wish more women thought like you. That they don’t just have children to fill their desire for a companion or because they’re lonely or insecure. Sadly I see too many mothers raising their children this way, which creates an entire generation of emotionally and psychologically deprived children with no where to turn to.

    • http://www.thewritewoman.com/ Geraldine Estevez

      Angela, I appreciate women like yourself – women who can step outside of their own experiences and understand others. It’s like I mention in the article, life is a journey and we all grow, and therefore change. The idea that one WAY fits all is bizarre. We are all so different – even as women. Every experience shapes us differently, and so the choices we make don’t always HAVE to resemble the “norm.” At the end of the day, what matters most isn’t which decision a woman reaches out for, but that whatever decision she makes is TRUE to who she is, and not a reflection of society’s pressures and/or expectations. If my views change – which they may very well with experience – then I’ll go ahead and write another article to express that, because I know that no matter what choice I make, as long as it’s MY choice it’s okay. And that’s what I hope all women take from this: That whatever path they wholeheartedly choose is OKAY.

      Thank you for sharing your experiences. Your children are blessed to have a momma as insightful as you. :)

      • http://www.Mommy-Diary.com/ Angela Kim

        I can’t agree more. I don’t know why self-acceptance for women seems more and more difficult nowadays. Oh now I remember, societal “norms” and older generations expecting their children to turn out the way they want them to. Not to mention all the negative standards of beauty and attitudes of women nowadays. Feminism has come a long way, I don’t think the word is even necessary, yet I see other women buying into the same ideals over and over again. I certainly hope my daughters’ world is kinder, more tolerant and more beautiful but perhaps that’s why us writers keep writing…to capture the beauty that is slowly slipping through our fingers.

        • Geraldine

          Angela, you bring up such important points. It’s important to have these kind of discussions, to open up the floor to those topics people aren’t too fond of discussing. As I’ve stated in my post, there’s a chance I’ll change my mind. If I do, I’ll write another article to describe my transition, to let other women know, Hey, whatever you decide is okay, so long as you’re completely honest with YOURSELF. Thanks for reading!